Britney Spears is OFFICIALLY over

Susan Barron briefly gives her take on the freakshow that is Britney Spears’ Circus World Tour. Personally, I would love to think that Britters could wow us all and morph back in to her usual self, the energetic, professional and beautiful star we knew and loved. But if there was ever something to make me think that was not going to happen, this tour is it.

By Susan Barron

Britney Spears: The new poster girl for the wonders of Photoshop

Britney Spears: The new poster girl for the wonders of Photoshop

The circus came to town at the weekend, and I’m not talking about massive lions and big-wigged clowns. No, it’s way scarier than that. It’s the one-woman circus that is Britney Spears. Why is this scarier you ask? Well, you never know what the hell she’s going to do at any given moment. She could use the Spire as a giant poll-dancing tool, go for a swim in the Liffey or try and actually sing live. The latter of which sends shudders through me.

But she made it to the emerald shores, all hot-panted up no doubt. But was it worth her time? Or better still, was it worth the fans’ time? The verdict on this depends on who you talk to. Critics and sceptics alike weren’t exactly setting the newspaper and magazine pages alight with their glowing reviews. The all singing (sorry, miming) all dancing star apparently disappointed with her lacklustre dancing and lack of connection with the audience.

However, there will always be the devoted Britney followers. The ones who still picture her in her virginal/ slutty schoolgirl with pigtails. These are the same people who still believe Justin is sporting a ’fro and refuse to believe the very existence of the dancing ‘wigga’ that is K-Fed. What a nice little fake world they have made for themselves.

Britney, who has no doubt kept the psychology business booming in the States, was meant to have stayed in the Morrison hotel during her visit, but when they refused to accommodate her request for a stripper pole in her bedroom, she moved to the Four Seasons. If that girl gets any classier, she will soon be giving Audrey Hepburn a run for her money. Someone just give her directions to Leeson Street and get it over with. If she doesn’t find a pole there, then at least she can bond with the prossies about their similar morals and taste in clothing.

For a true reflection of just how “talented” Ms. Spears really is, follow this link. Thanks to Robert Wallace for drawing my attention to this.

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Song of the Day, 24 June

Muse: Cleverly, they named themselves their own muse. No need for interviews then.

Muse: Cleverly, they named themselves their own muse. No need for interviews then.

Muse are great, aren’t they?

I’m ashamed to say it, but I fell in love with today’s song of the day as a result of an unhealthy obsession with Guitar Hero.

If you know me, you’ll probably know of my slightly obscure three year stint in GameStop. I managed to escape the games retail sector with only a few Guitar Hero shaped cuts and bruises, I haven’t become a Call of Duty die-hard fan just yet.

But this song, if I do say so myself, I seriously rock at playing on the good aul plastic guitar with buttons instead of strings. Hysteria does to me what a cold shower would do for a marathon runner on a hot day. Gives me shivers, refreshes me and makes me feel invincible. It’s a great feeling, if a little odd that a song can have that profound an effect.

To me, this song is 3 minutes and 47 seconds of ear pleasure.

Occasionally I’ll take a notion and listen to it on repeat for hours. It’s probably odd that I don’t know the lyrics considering the amount I’ve listened to it, but I concentrate so hard on the music that I forget to notice the words.

Please give Muse and Hysteria a go even if they’re not your thing. I made a teenage, Miley loving, Fall Out Boy obsessive (my sister) love Muse, I can do the same to you.

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Susan Barron’s own Desert Island Discs

Known by now for her rapier wit and her hilarious pop culture observations, Susan Barron follows on from my own desert island disc selection with her own choices. I have to admit, I thought mine were a bit embarrassing, but Susan, Westlife? Really? I make a point of being inclusive and open minded about music, so here are her reasons for so loving her top ten.

Inspired by Aisling’s wonderful choices, I went home and promptly ransacked my CD tower to find the tunes that I can’t live without. It’s a mix of old and very new, of credibility and not so much, but whatever; you can’t help what you like. So, here it goes…

JT Dancing: A master at work. Marry me?

JT Dancing: A master at work. Marry me?

Justin Timberlake – Futuresex/Lovesounds: First of all, let me wipe the drool away from my face (oh, the mere thought of him does funny things to me), but I do LOVE his music. Even if he lived in some form of troll community under the bridge of the Tolka, I’d still cherish this CD. It’s funky pop at his best with a heavy Timbaland influence that I don’t think will ever get old for me. A fave track of mine is Chop Me Up featuring Three 6 Mafia and of course maybe my fave Justin single, My Love featuring T.I (another absolute DISH). I now need a mop as my mouth is doing a very good waterfall impression.

Timbaland – Timbaland presents Shock Value: Speaking of the producer extraordinaire, his own album is just as good as anything he has produced for anyone else. While not possessing the typical music industry looks, he has firmly plonked himself in front of the camera and no ones complaining. The guest appearances read like he showed up to the Grammy’s, lured every act into a minivan (so gangsta) and brought them straight to his studio. Special mention must got to Release ft. JT and Bounce ft. JT (I’m seeing a love affair here) and Missy “I’m obsessed with Adidas” Elliot.

Panic! At The Disco – Fever You Can’t Sweat Out: This sticks out like a whore in the tax office from my collection – but I can’t get enough of the lead singer (and my future husband) and his sexy voice. Don’t worry, I’m not going to start dying my hair black and slitting my wrists, but I welcome this slightly emo gem into my life. Given to me as a lend from my friend Eoghan three or so years ago (no, I have not given it back – I now have squatters rights on it), it became highly overplayed in the Barron household. My fave is Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking her Clothes Off. Editing clearly isn’t their forté.

TQ – They Never Saw Me Coming: Remember this guy, singing about the Westside and the like. Turns out the rest of his album is also full of killers, not fillers. When I Get Out may actually make you cry and The Comeback will make you want to seek revenge and hope that he catches those fools who shot his baby mama – some people have no manners when it comes to gun play. Sheesh! I’ve heard from the Homies Hotline that he has been living under a rock since his short-lived success, but let’s hope he crawls out from under it soon to produce more tunes like these.

Girls Aloud – Sound of Girls Aloud: Love these girls! I couldn’t pick an album so I went with the greatest hits (can you believe they’ve been around long enough to actually have one?). When Nicola isn’t bleaching her body or Nadine’s not busy talking in an accent that is yet to be understood by anyone (you ever get the feeling people just nod and smile when she talks while quietly leafing through a dictionary), they are in the studio making one hit after the other and they all feature here. Personal faves include Something Kinda Ooooh (have no idea what it means but it’s damn catchy) and the under-rated Whole Lotta History.

Girls Aloud: Insert Girls Aloud/Girls Allowed pun here.

Girls Aloud: Insert Girls Aloud/Girls Allowed pun here.

Eminem and Co. – 8 Mile Soundtrack: Absolute tune after tune can be heard here. Coming from the movie starring Eminem of the same title, it’s a must for hip-hop fans. It of course includes my fave Eminem song Lose Yourself (I will challenge anyone to a rap battle of this song). There is a ridiculous amount of talent straight from the hood on this and has everyone from 50 Cent to Nas to D-12. Highlights are 8 Miles and Runnin’ from living legend Jay-Z and You Wanna Be Me from Nas. If Slim can produce a soundtrack like this then I will officially start petitioning for his return to Hollywood pronto. “Marshall for movies, Marshall for Movies…”

Pussycat Dolls – PCD: This debut from the burlesque beauties is still their best work. It won’t earn you any cool points but it will make you sing, wiggle, cavort and if you watch the videos, chain your fridge shut and join the gym. Nicole’s stomach is legendary. She must be half human/ half whippet or maybe her mother’s womb had a built in Ab-Roller. My fave, Buttons, is hot stuff while they get all sentimental on Stickwitu – they clearly swapped basic English classes for pole-dancing lessons – how else can you explain such brutal spelling? Oh, it’s meant to look cool and hip. Now I get it. Those clever Dolls.

DMX – And Then There Was X…: Warning: do not listen to this if you have a headache. He loves his shouting, barking and general angry behaviour. I’d love to meet him one day but he’s probably put me in a headlock and then a hospital bed…
Doctor: “What provoked such an attack?”
Me: “Well Doc, I told him I liked his album.”
Doctor: “And why is that?”
Me: “Well, I’m glad you asked. If you haven’t already noticed, being angry helps when you’re a rapper. You get some of the rage out while raking in the dough. This album is mad “that fool tried to bust a cap in my ass” anger and it’s a good sound for him.”
Doctor: “And what is your favourite song from said album?”
Me: “What These Bitches Want featuring Sisqo.”
Doctor: “Ah, story of my life.”
Me: “I hear dat.”

Westlife – Back Home: Moving about ten gazillion light years away in terms of music type, this would be another choice. I can hear mumbles of judgement, but I’m not listening. This is their latest album and the best in my opinion. The lads from the ‘wesht’ (and Nicky) make great, easy-listening pop records that I know more than a few of you actually like. Lovin’ the tracks I’m Already There and When I’m With You. While they should now technically be called a man-band as they start hitting 30, the genre of the boyband is making a comeback and if you’re gonna jump on board you might as well support the best

Slicker than your average maths nerd with acne and a walking stick

Slicker than your average maths nerd with acne and a walking stick

Craig David – Born To Do It: Now before you get all “wtf?” on me, may I remind you I am not alone in my loving of this album. Just this year it was named MTV’s 2nd best album of all time, after Michael Jackson’s Thriller. I know this might seem ludicrous, but it was voted for by the general public, so clearly the bearded one is still feeling the love. He has spent his recent time beefing up his bod to unrecognisable proportions but remember when he was a skinny dude with actual hits? This is full of smooth grooves like Rendezvous, Walking Away and Rewind (selecta!). Oh, and remember Bo! Selecta? “Craaaaaiiig Daaaavid!” How can you not love this guy?!

Thanks for that Susan. Anyone else that would like their Desert Island Discs displayed for the world to see, leave a comment!

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Desert Island Discs – who will YOU choose?

By Aisling Keenan

I have decided, after much inner-deliberation, to unleash my Desert Island Disc selection on the world. Prepare yourselves to feel intense embarrassment on my behalf for some of my selection. Because I won’t be feeling the shame. Someone told me that it only matters if you love your choices. Sure there’s no one on the island but you anyway!

Hopefully, if you read this and are inspired to compile your own top ten, you’ll post it as a comment and let other have an insight into your personality or at the very least, your questionable musical taste.

Here are mine, hope you don’t lose all faith in my credibility as someone who writes about music…

writingsThe Writing’s on the Wall by Destiny’s Child. If I had to be cast away clutching one album, this would be it. I grew up with it, it was the background music for my teenage years. Skip to Say My Name, one of Destiny’s Child’s biggest hits. I also love the underappreciated Get on the Bus, which at the end of the CD is often forgotten about. This album is full of gems, and it kick started the Destiny’s Child astronomical rise to superstardom.

live andLive and Dangerous by Thin Lizzy: While all the songs on this album are outstanding as songs, whether on studio recorded albums or not, hearing them played live is like nothing else. With the enigmatic Phil Lynott talking to the crowd between tracks in his trademark, thick Dublin accent, and the individual musicians getting time to show their instrumental skill, the album has much more character and presence than their studio ones.

eltonGreatest Hits by Elton John: I will take this opportunity to remind people who love me or like me enough to give me 80 quid that I LOVE ELTON JOHN and want to see him in concert. This album has all of his best songs, including Tiny Dancer, which I ramble on about at every given opportunity, and Philadelphia Freedom, which is another of Elton’s great songs. Bennie and the Jets has that amazing live feel to it on the album too.

histHistory by Michael Jackson: Some people ask me how I can still love Micka even after all the crazy paedophilia allegations against him. I answer honestly that I couldn’t care less if he was guilty, he’s an absolute and utter nutjob regardless, but I don’t need to love him as a person to love his music. He made some amazing songs in his time as a normal (ish) man, and they are all to be found on this two disc extravaganza.

rush ofA Rush of Blood to the Head by Coldplay: Coldplay are a band that I never thought I’d like. Everyone says their songs are depressing, drowsy and all a little too similar. They obviously haven’t heard this. It’s rare that I would love every single track on an album but I do. Green Eyes makes me wish my eyes were green and not blue. No one writes songs about blue-eyed girls? And Warning Sign is awe-inspiringly beautiful. Just listen.

marshallThe Marshall Mathers LP by Eminem: This was the album that introduced me to my love for rapping. Yes, I’m a white, Irish girl with no ties to black America, but I just love to rap. I could give Eminem himself a run for his money on Drug Ballad. It is fairly odd to hear me rapping and I’m sure I sound ridiculous, but I enjoy it. And I’m doing no one but my family, immediate neighbours and car passangers any harm.

janeSongs About Jane by Maroon5: I think the name of this album is what intrigued me first time I saw it. Songs About Jane means songs about all women, not just one woman. And it lives up to its promise, all the songs are about women, love, relationships, break ups and make ups. Each song I found to be true to life, as opposed to a dramatic over exaggeration of things as songs often are. Don’t overlook it before you’ve given it a go.

amyBack to Black by Amy Winehouse: I’ve found these songs to be such a calming influence when life is stressful and confusing. Even the upbeat ones have a laid back quality to them. The lyrics are brutally honest as you would expect from Amy Winehouse, but the music would melt your heart. And she might be a crack addict these days, but the silky gorgeousness of her voice is undeniable on this album.

aidaAida Soundtrack by Elton John and Tim Rice: It wasn’t intentional that Elton should appear on this list twice, but it just so happens that he is a musical genius and wrote the music to the adaption of Aida, an egyptian opera. The lyrics of Tim Rice tell the story of a love triangle between Princess Amneris, Nubian Princess Aida and Captain Radames. This tragic love story is my all-time favourite musical, and that’s saying something.

strippedStripped by Christina Aguilera: I worry that people will see Christina Aguilera and lose all faith in my musical knowledge. But seriously, she has some beautiful songs on there. Impossible which she does with Alicia Keys on piano is delicious and Infatuation about something that feels like love echoes the holiday romance that everyone has once in their life. All her bigger hits feature too, so it’s totally worth a listen.

There were many great albums and soundtracks that landed on the cutting room floor. Among them were artists such as Rory Gallagher, Beyonce, Queen, Justin Timberlake and Kanye West.

Don’t think that this is a comprehensive representation of my musical taste, because it is not. These are just the albums that have the most meaning to me, the ones I would crave listening to were they to go missing, the ones I am so familiar with every musical nuance and syllable is noticed and enjoyed. You should make your list without fear of ridicule or without trying to look obscure or aloof, and just because you really love whatever it is you love about your desert island discs.

If anyone decides to make their list, post it as a comment, and write a bit on each choice and any good ones I will get pictures for and post in the blog, and your choices will be famous. Well, my family will know what they are anyway…

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Oh the Shame… How could you Susan Barron??

Susan Barron admits her deepest darkest musical secrets, with the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus at the heart of her confessions. Aisling Keenan, as the owner of this blog, would like to point out that she has no feelings on the issue of Joe-Bro or Hannah Montana’s real-life incarnation – isn’t impartiality the biggest insult anyway?

My hatred of the Jonas Brothers started last summer in America where Joe Bro fever had engulfed the country, leaving not a dry pre-teen eye in the nation. I hadn’t heard any of their songs, all I knew is what they looked like. Young, curly and annoying. Especially the youngest fella.

Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus - Like butter wouldnt melt...

Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus - Like butter wouldn't melt...

Then at the airport I saw them on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine saying that they loved being rocks stars. Rock stars! As if! The hatred grew. The anger towards these three brothers who in my opinion only possessed talent in the use of hair appliances, raged on.

But last week at work I was given the task of writing a few CD reviews. Leafing through the albums I was calm, until a band of bushy haired ‘heart-throbs’ were looking out at me. You have got to be kidding me. But a job’s a job so I decided to put my professional hat on and prepare for my ears to bleed.

Now, I realise that what I’m about to share makes me ridiculously un-cool but here it goes. I MAY have thought it wasn’t completely, out-of-this-world terribly bad. Oh God. A part of me has died inside.

The album actually sounded really mature and it wasn’t like a bunch of squeaky voiced, pre-pubescent, God-fearing boys were singing. Even rapper Common features on one of the tracks giving a streak of credibility (losing all of his in the process).

I have never claimed to have the coolest taste in music because I definitely don’t, but I thought even I would draw the line at Disney ‘pop stars’. Apparently not. Example B: Miley Cyrus. Oh Jesus.

As a person, I hate her more than probably anyone on this earth (except for those among you who find a spider and don’t kill it, instead setting it free outside to roam around, all evil-like, until it finds itself in my room and I go into cardiac arrest from the fright – you know who you are). Anyway, Miley’s a close second.

Never has one human being possessed so much self-confidence, I’d say she’s a right pain in the ass to live with. I feel a confession coming on again… it’s like word vomit.

I’m a secret fan of some of her songs and I can’t truthfully claim that my iPod is Miley free. If you get past her jumpiness and annoying tween vocals then See you Again isn’t too bad. And Fly on the Wall is catchy enough. Although just to save a bit of face, I hate her faux angst on 7 Things. Grr.

I’m off to die of shame in the corner of a darkened room now.

Susan Barron

Susan Barron

Contributor Profile

Susan Barron is a journalist from Dublin, she likes hardcore rap and R’n'B, among many other genres of music. I won’t mention the Westilfe thing for credibility reasons. She hates spiders, loves baby pandas and has an unhealthy obsession with Ed Westwick. So, Ed, if you’re reading this…

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The E.N.D by Black Eyed Peas: Susan Barron Reviews

The departure of the Black Eyed Peas from the music scene a while back had everyone wondering where IS the love? Susan Barron reviews the brand new album, and she thinks the ‘love’ is really and truly back.

The Peas are all safely back in the pod.

The Peas are all safely back in the pod.

With their single at the number one spot all over the globe, the Black Eyed Peas are back riding the wave of major success. Fergie, Will.i.am, apl-de-ap and Taboo (does anyone one else find him strangely attractive? Maybe I have a thing for cheekbones?) are back together after.

They took a break so Fergie could get married, Will.i.am could produce for every artist on the planet and the other two could stare at their watches and count down the days until they would have a career again. Although Taboo could always find work in any restaurant kitchen grating cheese with his face.

Their new album The E.N.D (Energy Never Dies – that’s for you, fact junkies) is a high energy, futuristic mix of all kinds of weird and wonderful things. Basically, it’s classic Peas. Whether you’re in the mood to shake those hips to some dance, whip out your air guitar to rock, stilton the place up with some pop or get down with your hip-hop roots ‘dawg’, then this has it all on one shiny disk.

Rock Your Body will make you want to do just that. I challenge you to resist this temptation. Meet Me Halfway is perfect for Fergie’s vocals and I Got A Feeling, their next single, has a more chilled vibe.

Fergie: Dont go up to her and call her Stacy. She no likey.

Fergie: Don't go up to her and call her Stacy. She no likey.

Their look has also evolved. It seems like Fergie has already spent her royalties on the world’s largest bondage clothing collection. Straight jacket chic anyone? Her husband Josh Duhamel must have had to take a present wrapping course just to help her get dressed in the morning. And every girl should be envious of the sleek and shiny mop of black perfection that is Taboo’s hair. I’m going to need the number of his hairdresser.

With these tracks rivalling anything Fergie has released as a solo artist, then hopefully she’s back with the band for good. Even if she does threaten to leave, the boys could always just strap her to a chair using her own clothes. Sorted!

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Song of the Day, 18 June

Piano Man - Billy Joel hasnt a patch on ya Elton.

Piano Man - Billy Joel hasn't a patch on ya Elton.

I decided it was time to grace my blog with Elton John’s presence. What a man.

Song of the Day today is extra special, because it is the song that pops into my head first when someone asks me what my favourite song is. While I know I have hundreds of favourite songs, this one is definitely up there with the best of them.

Elton John’s Tiny Dancer isn’t as well known as some of his other mega hits, like Your Song and Candle in the Wind, so I hadn’t heard it played on the radio. I discovered it a few years ago – it was on the soundtrack for the movie Almost Famous, which deserves a blog all to itself – and fell in love instantly with it.

Elton is obviously well known for the outstanding piano that features in many of his songs. Personally I think he excelled himself with Tiny Dancer, piano-wise. The rest of the arrangement is just as amazing, but it’s Elton’s skill with the black and ivory keys that gives the song it’s unique character.

Almost Famous is a classic and the soundtrack is full of classics

Almost Famous is a classic and the soundtrack is full of classics

The reason why the song stood out to me on the soundtrack to Almost Famous is that it was surrounded by so many very dark and heavy rock songs. Barely a whisper of guitar and bass, drumming used minimally and only as a compliment to the string section, it is easy listening at it’s best.

If any of my close family or friends are reading this, please note: I love Elton John and he is playing in the 02 in Dublin in October. You’ll be eternally in my debt if you were to provide me with a ticket. I say ‘a’ ticket because I would like to go alone – I fear severe judgement if anyone was to go with me and witness my behaviour around the man himself. This paragraph would be redundant because I would have no friends or family…

I should probably stop praising it so highly, I swear I’m not on commission for Elton John (as if he needs it). But I deem this one-of-a-kind song worthy of my praise.

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Song of the Day, 17 June

Nobody knows it.

No, not the song. Yer man has a secret. A smile shared between two people that only each other understands.

Secret Smile: Whos yours for?

Secret Smile: Who's yours for?

Secret Smile by Semisonic is the Song of the Day. While it was released in Ireland and the UK in 1999, it only became a favourite of mine after someone I know who liked it reminded me of it sometime last year.

In 1999, when I was…younger than I am now, I didn’t fully appreciate the lyrics and the song in general. Here are the lyrics – they’re simple, but it’s a simple song, and sometimes with music, like on this occasion, less is more.

Nobody knows it but you’ve got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I’m losing, I’m bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you’ve got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So save me I’m waiting
I’m needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I’m grieving, I’m barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I’m lying alonely
I know there’s something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

It’s a great song. Romantic in a silly, not real kinda way. XxxX

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Addicts or Idols?

Amy and Pete are hardly role models for our generation, anyone can see that. But are we subconsciously accepting their hard drug use because they’re idolised as musicians? Are we sending the message out that heroin is ok? Why do drugs and music seem inextricably linked? Susan Barron asks.

How could anyone find THIS attractive?

How could anyone find THIS attractive?

The whole deal of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. It was tantalising and maybe a bit exciting for people to watch in the Mick Jagger days, but why oh why do we still hail druggies as musical geniuses and think it’s okay?

Nobody pats the heroin addict on the street on the back and then gives him millions of euro – so why should we do the same with Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse? These individuals can afford the drugs they’re lashing into their system because the public keep buying their records.

How many times does Doherty have to get arrested before he’s put behind bars for a reasonable length of time and is maybe offered some drug counselling while in there?

Last week he was found in the bathroom of a BA flight to Geneva slumped over with a needle. Yet he was only given a fine on arrival and he allowed to play his concert and party that night. I’m guessing he didn’t exactly have good, clean fun.

Headlines like this show the artist for who she really is - a heroin addict, not a musical heroine

Headlines like this show the artist for who she really is - a heroin addict, not a musical heroine

Amy has holed herself up in St. Lucia for most of the year so far in a bid to get clean. If you believe that you must be smoking some of Pete’s leftovers. All she seems to do there is drink, party, cavort with boys and manage to put herself in hospital every couple of weeks. That’s some great detoxing, folks. Bring on the drug problem if it means I can start living the exotic island life.

However, it seems like the public are coming around to my way of thinking. The Winehouse backlash has begun. Any of her recent attempts at singing live have been met with boos from fans demanding their money back.

The most recent incident happened at a festival in her adopted home, St. Lucia. After forgetting her words and slurring throughout her set, she finally had to give up after it was clear the audience could take no more of her “talent”.

Those clever PR people of hers tried to play it down, blaming the bad weather on her inability to complete the set. Well then how come other acts were able to perform before and after her. Must have been special rain that only affects tattoo-ridden soul singers with an allergy to clothing. Either that or she was afraid her hair would act like a lightning rod!

If we saw these two drug addicts on the street wed turn our noses up, not spend our hard earned money funding their lifestyles.

If we saw these two drug addicts on the street we'd turn our noses up, not spend our hard earned money funding their lifestyles.

Amy is an undeniable talent – her song-writing speaks for itself – and has the potential for a great comeback, but ideally people shouldn’t be interested in her musically until she seeks some serious help. Who wants their kid growing up in a world where they see a drug-ravaged star being adored and cheered by thousands as she struts her stuff? This can’t be seen as acceptable behaviour.

As for Pete Doherty, the ultimate fallen “rock star” of our generation – who knows if there’s hope for him. All I know is I’m not boarding any flight he’s on without a tetanus injection.

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Eccentric? Or completely GaGa?

Lady GaGa threw down the gauntlet for weirdness and uped the ante for diva-like behaviour when she urged us to Just Dance, but is it all just a clever marketing ploy or is the girl gone totally crackers? Susan Barron explains just how out of her bracket GaGa really is.

Obscure to the max

Obscure to the max

With a couple of hit singles under her spiky bondage belt, Lady GaGa has the right to feel good about herself. She doesn’t, on the other hand, have the right to act like Jesus Christ has been reincarnated in her body.

Maybe that’s why she acts so important, she concealing precious cargo within. I’ve heard He’s always had the hankering to come back as a self-important diva. He tried Madonna but she won’t let anything except steamed veggies into her. Imagine what a full-fat Jesus would do to a woman’s figure!

I’m all for eccentricity in pop stars, otherwise Planet Pop would be hella boring, but recently GaGa has demonstrated a self-praising attitude that would even make the ever-humble (ahem) Kanye West blush with embarrassment.

Now, you only have to look at the way she dresses to know she’s not exactly the girl next-door type. She has said she designs all of her crazy outfits and that we would never catch her going to the local shop in a pair of jeans. Dressing like GaGa is a full-time job folks. Imagine having to put on all that armour and three tonnes of eyelashes just to pop out for a pint. Exhausting!

GaGa and her special tea: Ill have what shes having!

GaGa and her 'special tea': I'll have what she's having!

Things came to a head for me on that Friday night a couple of weeks back when she appeared on Jonathan Ross’ show. Kitted out in the best leather ensemble she could find, she proceeded to make Wossy work very hard indeed to get much out of her at all. One-word evasive answers were interrupted by her drinking ginger tea from a special teacup and saucer that probably couldn’t have been prised out of her hand with a crowbar.

When asked about the lyrics for her hit Pokerface, she gave her most insightful answer. She said she used to think of other women while making love to her ex-boyfriend. Riiiight. Was I so naïve to think that she was actually talking about poker?

Reports said that she lost her precious teacup in the BBC studio and refused to do more press until it was found. Poor GaGa. How could she ever go on? She was recently spotted wearing trousers over her knickers, that is how depressed she’s been! Meanwhile, the teacup’s picture has been showing up on milk cartons all across the country.

Police have begun conducting a nationwide hunt for the aforementioned teacup and hope for a reunion with its inconsolable owner. GaGa’s people have said they will not be commenting on the issue other than to say that GaGa would like to thank the public for their support and good wishes at this hard time of loss.

We will keep you updated as this story develops. As if.

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